on the bench
Already, just the chauffeur. The cash flow.
I wonder if I stopped having money, if I would just get kicked out.
I hate that every other person in this house is memememememe. Shit my mom finds out I’ve been going to therapy, and by the end of the day, its still all about her. Just make sure I don’t take too long at therapy because I have to take her somewhere.
I just want to go….
So one cat is out of the bag…
…since you can only hide having to be in a specific place at a specific time for so long.
Maybe its better that way. Things happen for a reason and its probably for the best. Even if it makes things awkward I guess it starts to prove that I’m not happy…
Full of $#!+
It’s what my head is. I feel like I’m in a constant state of fear or panic. What the hell is wrong with me?
If loving me is wrong, I don’t want to be right. It feels alien to me. I know it’s what I have to do to preserve my sanity, but I also know it won’t be seen that way. I’m scared on so many levels it’s ridiculous.
There has to be something seriously wrong when you deserve time to yourself but feel like shit for having it. When you feel like you can’t talk to the ones you are closest to because… Well just because. I have reverse-marsha syndrome; it’s never about me, but for once, I want it to be.
I want other people to be happy to, don’t get me wrong. I just want to stop trying to pursue other people’s happiness and start pursuing my own.
I would like to think I wound up on this earth to be more than a means to another persons end. Its the emotional sweat shop I am fighting to get out of. Maybe the problem is, as degrading as a sweat shop is, you still rely on the wages to buy a bit of bread to keep going.
I just hope personal liberation movement works. That I make it work. That I stand up for myself and do what I have to for me for once. I guess only time will tell. Until then I will continue to feel like I’m on the edge, even though I don’t know if what I am waiting for, if what I’m wanting, is to grow the courage to jump or for someone to push me.
tumblrbot asked: WHAT IS YOUR EARLIEST HUMAN MEMORY?
I was probably one or two years old. I remember sitting on my grandfather’s lap, in wood and wicker rocking chair. I remember it being in the corner of the room. He was rocking it and I don’t remember quite how it happened, but the chair fell over backwards. I think he was making the chair rock more because I thought it was fun. I remember my mother coming into the room to help us both up.
My grandfather died when I was 3, but I remember of him was love, and awesome. Maybe it was just because of how young I was, and those are the types of things that leave an impression at such a young age. Maybe it was what he was made of.
He may have died when I was too young to have many memories, but I always miss him terribly to this day when I think him, and this memory. <3
Everything’s Changin’
It really is hard to make out the forest from the trees.
I imagine that, instead of being overwhelmed by the trees, you have to take it one tree at a time, and when you get to the end, you can walk away, turn around, and discover the forest.
I also imagine that the old saying “take life one day at a time” is a lot like that as well.
Maybe, when stuck in the middle, if you take it one tree at a time, and have a plan to go from one tree to the next, you can reach the edge of the forest, not only successfully, but with a feeling of accomplishment.
So, that is my plan. One day at a time, one tree at a time. I want to be out of the forest. I want to be able to turn around, and not hate the forest for having trapped me, but to be able to see it for what it is, for making me who I am. I imagine it has done a lot to make me stronger, smarter, more prepared to make my own choices.
I may just be getting to the point now where I can see glimmers of sunlight through the leaves, but it is enough to make me press forward. It is my glimmer of hope.
Walls
Boundaries are fun. You need to build them up around some people, and you want to tear them down for others. I think a lead curtain may be more useful. A curtain with a crane.
Here I go again.
Ever do something you had a feeling you were going to regret, but you did it anyway because it still seemed like the right thing to do?
I’m standing on the edge of that cliff right now. I think it will work out in the end to my advantage, and honestly, right now, everything that I do to try to better myself is going to rock the boat.
Here’s to hoping I can make this one work to my advantage…
