Full of $#!+
It’s what my head is. I feel like I’m in a constant state of fear or panic. What the hell is wrong with me?
If loving me is wrong, I don’t want to be right. It feels alien to me. I know it’s what I have to do to preserve my sanity, but I also know it won’t be seen that way. I’m scared on so many levels it’s ridiculous.
There has to be something seriously wrong when you deserve time to yourself but feel like shit for having it. When you feel like you can’t talk to the ones you are closest to because… Well just because. I have reverse-marsha syndrome; it’s never about me, but for once, I want it to be.
I want other people to be happy to, don’t get me wrong. I just want to stop trying to pursue other people’s happiness and start pursuing my own.
I would like to think I wound up on this earth to be more than a means to another persons end. Its the emotional sweat shop I am fighting to get out of. Maybe the problem is, as degrading as a sweat shop is, you still rely on the wages to buy a bit of bread to keep going.
I just hope personal liberation movement works. That I make it work. That I stand up for myself and do what I have to for me for once. I guess only time will tell. Until then I will continue to feel like I’m on the edge, even though I don’t know if what I am waiting for, if what I’m wanting, is to grow the courage to jump or for someone to push me.
